Date

Change comes suddenly
and from all directions
a body shredded by a blast
and its shrapnel
moved in impossible ways
people bleed and suffer
and cry as much from old wounds
as from new.

You should calm down,
shut the fuck up,
and take care of your yard. 

Warm night and the sound of the fan

San Diego's Greyhound station on Broadway had a small bar in it. At the age of 21, I wanted to stay there with the feeling that I was going somewhere else and absolutely anything could happen. Possibility. Welcoming motion and change. It's time to begin again now. Time to stop reviving ghosts and let them go to where they must. I'm a strange stranger here again, and everything is about to change. 

The Word You Cannot Speak

Unarmed,But,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

A comparison of scars
A measuring of trust
A few grains of sand in your
Medicine bag.

Are we ready to embark on the second
Half of this?
The saddest eyes
Her laughing face

Toward a natural order

Shrouded moon

Drunken man

Hooting owl

Warm, silent night

The mail brought a package

Place the mourning angel
On the sun warmed flat stone
See how it resembles the girl you loved, weeping.

Remember the wise and pretty voice
on the radio talking Confucius.
Overcome your previous self - grow.
Try now to make beauty of this life.

Seasonal

All the recent rain and then a sunny day in the 70s has pushed the grass up. I came home early today to push the mower through it for the first time of the season. I notice in the car mirror my hair has gone mostly silver. This seems new to me and alarming.

I've noticed lilacs blooming this week, and today the first ruby-throated hummingbird appeared at the feeder. This is the third summer they've shown up here, after she invited them. These things, of course, make me think of her. Today, I was able to celebrate my memories of her and hope for her happiness. I sent something out.

The May flies are out already. It's dusk. The cardinals come by. A robin trills. My roommate, a few years older than I, says he doesn't recognize his own face in the mirror. His dog is 14 years old. "I'm all you've got," he says to the dog who mock-snarls back at him.

I'm glad, at least, that you will never feel like a hostage living with me.

Concerned

Losing my religion, went the lyric, and now you understand it differently pissing in a bar's narrow restroom. You should feel good about getting out from under that weight. She would, and probably does. Maybe only you know what's lost.

Things to do

I started feeding the birds again, and I can tell you that suet isn't the best food choice in my tiny corner of the world. The Spring before last we brought a black bear into the backyard with it. Now it's racoons - a duo. Working together, they managed to bend the shepherd's hook all the way to the ground to access the feeders. I saw them both holding bricks of suet in their little hands like sandwiches. They've done the same thing now three nights in a row. Each morning, I bend the hook back to straight, add sunflower seeds to the platform feeder - intended for the cardinals and the blue jays- and finch food to the other feeder -for the gold finches and tufted titmouse - titmice? The squirrels and turkeys get a lot of it, but that's the price you pay, I guess, if you look at it that way. I watched a frenetic little red squirrel for a while this morning.

I'm not putting suet out anymore though. You learn, you modify your practice, but you keep on with what you do.

I've been taking care of the dog's grave, like I said I would. I laid down some soil and planted some grass that's supposed to thrive in shaded areas, even in the woods. I was doing my best to water it twice daily, and starting to enjoy the ritual,  but it's been raining for almost a week now, and I haven't had to. The grass is coming up nicely. I'm thinking of planting winter berry holly there too, or American bittersweet - try to create some Eastern bluebird habitat. And maybe lilacs. I'll make his grave into a shrine for everything, the whole episode.

You know, I don't really know shit about native birds or plants, but I'm doing things with this time. Just waiting, hoping, feeling pain, remembering everything all the time was depleting me.

You've got to take an interest in life. Tonight I went for a run and bought some all purpose cleaner at Walmart.

I am practicing substitution. Methadone maintenance. I don't get high, but I don't get sick either. And that is some relief.

I know you and I didn't have twenty years, or even ten, but we could have had tonight and last night and the one before. It's four weeks ago this morning that I last woke up beside you, felt you, saw you. 

The Miracle of Love...

The Difference Between You and Me (half baked)

Resilience has something to do with going from a good place to a bad place then finding a way to forget, integrate or wall off the experience and move on to a new good place. Going from a good place to a bad place and learning how to live in the rubble with the damage is called endurance.