Things to do

I started feeding the birds again, and I can tell you that suet isn't the best food choice in my tiny corner of the world. The Spring before last we brought a black bear into the backyard with it. Now it's racoons - a duo. Working together, they managed to bend the shepherd's hook all the way to the ground to access the feeders. I saw them both holding bricks of suet in their little hands like sandwiches. They've done the same thing now three nights in a row. Each morning, I bend the hook back to straight, add sunflower seeds to the platform feeder - intended for the cardinals and the blue jays- and finch food to the other feeder -for the gold finches and tufted titmouse - titmice? The squirrels and turkeys get a lot of it, but that's the price you pay, I guess, if you look at it that way. I watched a frenetic little red squirrel for a while this morning.

I'm not putting suet out anymore though. You learn, you modify your practice, but you keep on with what you do.

I've been taking care of the dog's grave, like I said I would. I laid down some soil and planted some grass that's supposed to thrive in shaded areas, even in the woods. I was doing my best to water it twice daily, and starting to enjoy the ritual,  but it's been raining for almost a week now, and I haven't had to. The grass is coming up nicely. I'm thinking of planting winter berry holly there too, or American bittersweet - try to create some Eastern bluebird habitat. And maybe lilacs. I'll make his grave into a shrine for everything, the whole episode.

You know, I don't really know shit about native birds or plants, but I'm doing things with this time. Just waiting, hoping, feeling pain, remembering everything all the time was depleting me.

You've got to take an interest in life. Tonight I went for a run and bought some all purpose cleaner at Walmart.

I am practicing substitution. Methadone maintenance. I don't get high, but I don't get sick either. And that is some relief.

I know you and I didn't have twenty years, or even ten, but we could have had tonight and last night and the one before. It's four weeks ago this morning that I last woke up beside you, felt you, saw you.