Whatever It Was

Already I've forgotten. I think it was "Nothing Else". Something I was writing just before waking from a dream. In the process of coming here, I lost it, can no longer be sure of what it was . Thought it was guidance from the unconscious. Maybe it was just a reminder to get my ass out of bed.

Don't Know

Why did you google her?, was the question she asked him.
Snooping is not something he often did.
In search of that ridiculous word closure, out of curiosity, in hope, or maybe
motivated by something darker?
I don't know for sure, he answered.
Did it help? She wanted to know.
No, I don't think it helped, but it was good to find out
something.

Brunch

A bad dog. A soiled waffle iron. The brisket carver roles his eyes at me, and I have to restrain myself not to smash the chocolate covered strawberries to pulp in front of him. There's a time for everything. The three kids are sitting together. I'm seeing them. This doesn't happen often. But there's something amiss, we are off key together as a chorus. A fractious family. This feeling is like a cloud of biting flies descending upon my head. It doesn't belong here now. I try different notes, seeking harmony.

Mild Distemper

The Russians may be using my blog as some kind of virtual jumping off point to spread doubt and faithlessness across the land. Who are these visitors? Meanwhile, I'm withdrawing even further from the idea of people and from people themselves. This has little to do with the Russians or the ridiculous president. My interactions with people are so often tedious, laborious, more difficult than they should be. I have little patience left for it. I'm ok like this, with just a quiet morning and the fan.

Runner

Many times I've given up only to re-experience the pain of starting again. There's a belly here, fully formed, the kind that forces your navel to stare at the floor. It didn't exactly sneak up on me, but I guess maybe I care enough now to pay it some notice. Made a decision to take a month off from beer (August 7). Made another decision to get thirty minutes of exercise in the morning. Started today.

This is an achievement. I've been mostly dormant for a couple of years. Inspiration has been hard to come by. Haven't been able to convert the occasional spark to a sustained fire.

Set the timer and step off. A horsefly finds my head inside the first minute, and it's hot. Two minutes of walking, two minutes of easy running, and two minutes running a little harder than that. A sustained incline impedes my ability to conform to the plan. Anyway, I keep moving forward, breathlessly,  belly shaking, up and down hills, through the grass, in a kind of loop. It takes a little less than 25 minutes but I'm satisfied.

In the kitchen, I'm trying to breathe evenly. I'm drinking water, feeling sweat run down my face and body. Also feeling something moving quickly up my right leg. Ticks - two of them. This fucking place is cursed.

I'm not feeling very well at all. Call the credit card company to tell them to cancel the goddamn card which I paid off June 1st only to find a statement in the mailbox today complaining of a late payment and charging me a fee.  After cursing the auto-attendant for a few minutes, a man comes on the phone and says he wants to work with me, assures me me that I have value. like he's talking me down from the handrail of some suspension bridge. After hearing my grievance, he manages to reduce the balance from $47 to $7, and yes I would like to take care of that today, thank you.

The sweat stops after about half an hour, and, dry, I feel a little better about things. By bedtime, two more ticks have made themselves known.

Not For Granted

Celebrated my birthday with a massage
and by putting the air conditioner in the
bathroom window which enabled sleep
through the hot and humid night, avoided
people, let it pass without much emotion,
a little further down the belt - that's all,
but it's a number not everyone gets to see.

Another Birthday

Drove them to where they were going
But did not stay for the annual visit and a dip in the lake
Despite the fact that we were flirting with 100 degrees
Instead I watched the sun menace us slowly
A hazy orange ball taking it's sweet time
A young buck at 8 pm, a yearling I'm guessing
Sporting two horns about the same length as his ears
Stopped and talked for awhile as he ate his leaves
Asked him if he'd kindly restore me to sanity