A full year has gone without a single sighting. Each time he remembered the few instances of eye contact they'd shared, he'd felt a twist inside. The ache of a missed opportunity, which he should have dismissed and moved on from with a sigh and an "oh well" months ago but didn't, still remained.
Now he is sitting on a high-seated school bus with his knees pressed tight against the seat in front of him on his way from the parking area to the Holiday Carnival hoping she would also be returning. The short ride gave him a little time to reflect.
He knows he appears strange here riding with mostly women and their small children dressed for winter. There are a few men riding with their partners helping to manage children. They are younger than him, bearded, bundled up, seemingly domesticated.
It was easier to imagine he was part of this community last year riding the bus with his young son. Now, he's attempting to push aside the feeling of strangeness by looking out the window trying not to go any deeper.
Doubt emerged and gnawed his confidence like a beaver. Was he setting himself up for a let down by coming here? What were the odds that she'd actually be here? Would he even recognize her if she was? Was the face in his mind even hers, or just one of his own creation? He is unsettled, not at all the vibe he'd imagined.
The shuttle arrives at the drop-off point adjacent to where you board the horse-drawn wagon if you feel like it. Small children under large helmets are waiting nearby for pony rides, a line forms to buy tickets for the games. He looks around too aware of the fact that he is childless, alone, and a male in advancing middle age. He doesn't know what to do with himself.
"Get out of your head" he says and starts walking.
She is right there, standing in front of the main entrance talking to a man. His heart leaps into his throat. No doubt about it, it's her. He feels obvious and obscene, turns his face from her and walks inside. Something needs to change.
There's time. Take a walk and look at what the vendors are selling - handmade leather good, lots of things made from yarn, framed photographs of birds, hot cider and kettle corn made on an open flame. Breathe and unwind. Smile at the parents and their cute and tiny children.
He spends some time looking at the chickens at the far end of the carnival and feels some relief.
"Gaw, Gaww, Gaw, Gaww, Gawwk" he says to the chickens.
A couple of hens cock their heads and regard him curiously. A rooster responds in kind, sounding annoyed. He feels relieved, he realizes, because he is alone. Except for the chickens. This is not the state of mind he needs to be able to talk to her.
He walks to the concession stand and orders coffee from an organic, free trade, social entrepreneur in enthusiastic Spanish. They make small jokes about the vendor's super-industrial-strength coffee grinder that he says could double as a wood chipper should the need arise. The man and his wife are smiling at him. He smiles back at them. The paper cup feels warm in his hands. Almost normal. He bids them good day and goes outside to stand beside the fire which is a tightly stacked pyramid, built with no small effort, for a sustained top to bottom burn.
One man with a short pointed stick appears to be the appointed fire keeper. The fire keeper and another man talk about their houses, their companies, sports. He exchanges furtive glances with them, lets openings to join in pass by, and walks away feeling distance again. It's time to find her.
Back inside the school, he does, at a junction of hallways.
He says hello.
She responds in kind.
He asks if she is involved with the school.
She says she works here.
He tells her they almost met at the Carnival last year, but didn't quite.
She says she does not remember.
He tells her he has been thinking about her for a year.
She says, "oh".
His mind goes blank.
He cannot remember what else was said. He goes outside where the cold air revives him slightly. He continues walking, away from the crowd, down to the barn where two donkeys stand in a stall. They look at him quietly for awhile. One has gentle eyes until it brays,
"Hee Haw, Hee Haw, Hee Haw, Hee Haw"
"I know." he says, "I know!"
He lets time pass, not that he can do anything else, knowing everything is ruined. He should apologize for making her uncomfortable before he goes. He's not sure if that will make things better or worse but he imagines how dismal things will be if he leaves now, this way.
She is standing at the very end of the line at the concession tent. It wouldn't be hard to stand beside her and have a private moment to explain himself and go, but as he approaches she seems to see him out of the corner of her eye and calls out to a friend a few feet away.
He reads this as a sign of distress and moves off quickly. He is standing now on the other side of the well tended fire pyramid. He is watching her lean into her friend probably telling her this creepy guy is following her. They start to turn in his direction, just as the wind shifts slightly, obscuring him mercifully in smoke.
He turns his back to them quickly, crouching, walking faster, crawling on hands and knees, scurrying flat on his belly, thoroughly disguised in smoke. He grows smaller, smaller, smaller, smaller, until he disappears.
