Rocking chair

At this job, I drive each way one hour with the sun at my back lighting the frosted field and the river fog and the yellow forest. It’s far superior to the last job which I drove to and from in slow and angry traffic for hours directly into the rising and setting sun. This morning I saw this beauty through my eyes alone. There was no one to share it with and no need to share it with anyone. I saw it. I felt it. I loved it. I’ve been reading things that seem to reinforce the view that people fall away from you and you ultimately find yourself alone and that there’s a truth revealed to the one who can live in that place. Lately, I’ve felt mostly well there but  I’m not at all immune to fluctuations in mood, to depressions, to moments of loneliness. Tonight, I thought of a woman sitting quietly  sideways on my lap and resting her head against me. The feeling associated with the image startled me. Any similar experience is so remote now it’s hard to know if it ever actually occurred. For a moment, in its absence, I felt like I had no life at all.