Monday, October 31, 2016

Ventral

Overheard part of a conversation while waking. Someone inside said, just find another girl. The result was a physical sensation along the entire length of the ventral side of my body - a queasy internal sunburn. I felt it when I saw the impression your body left in the leaves and grass, now an empty space in my mind's eye.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

A Modest Ambition

Took a nap after pouring seed into the bird feeder because my bed was more inviting than the afternoon. Most of the leaves are down with frost at night and today unable to climb out of the 40s. Kind of like where I'm at. Waking up, I thought I need to get to work on cultivating small-j joy in my life. A modest ambition. I laid there thinking about that until it got dark. 

If only it was easy...


Sunday, October 23, 2016

Waking Up

The first morning thoughts
arrive consistently now
baring claws and fangs
points and edges.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Angst

The night before last, I dreamed a building collapsed
in slow motion, there were no walls, so I could see the people
pancaked and folded under the rubble.

When the scene settled, there was no movement
no help, only me

We Kill The Flame...


Monday, October 17, 2016

In OrderTo Move Forward, You Must First Witness The Execution Of Your Tenacious Hopes

Mistakes were made is what my boy would say
Maybe it's better to wonder than to know
In knowing, I am lower down now...

I sent a probe - something told me forward the photos
taken with trembling hands in bad light of
her meeting the puppy you picked up at the airport for
the first time. It was March and cold, and the puppy was
shivering in her hands so she placed it on her breast
and zipped the puppy inside her coat thereby demonstrating a capacity for love.
The puppy was happy, and the girl was happy, and the moment was perfect.

You were happy too, a spastic photographer
attempting to document the moment love occurs.

She acknowledged receipt of the photos with a
generic single word response followed by an exclamation point
thereby demonstrating a capacity for deflection,
for letting you down easy by not saying more,
for letting go, and for moving on.

In knowing, I am lower down now
Maybe it is better to wonder than to know
Mistakes were made, that's what my boy would say...




Fools in Love


Sunday, October 16, 2016

Flat

I woke thinking anxious thoughts about her
And opened my eyes to that leveled desolation
Again

A grieving person recently observed
That it's not being alone that hurts
It's being without the loved one
They look like the same thing,
But they aren't.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Hunter's Moon

Another Super Moon
Full and bright enough to read by
Watched it rise with my boy
Later, on the drive home,
Illuminating the antlers, head and powerful neck
Of a big white tail buck
Standing in the trees
Our eyes locking for a moment

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Taking Stock

Preliminary discussion about
readiness for dating. She suggested
the litmus test would be how many
times a week you think about her.
How many times? Yes, like how
many days a week she enters
your thoughts...

Ok then, maybe
you should be starting with
trying to identify an hour a day
when she doesn't? 

Sunday, October 9, 2016

I would not think of such things if I could, if I could help myself...


What's Left Of A Hurricane

Slept with the slider open
crickets faded into rain
rain sound kept me sleeping
alone, I make relationships
with things like the sound of crickets and rain
like you did as a beautiful child
with that bird sleeping in your hair.

It's not bad living this way
until, waking, my mind remembers
and makes the comparison.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Medicine Wheel

Sick and angry people here, the election, the poor choices
Apathy or ignorance - there seems so far to go.
Losing friends with political talk.

I've been hoping for evidence 
of visitation from the other side of the world
but it hasn't been forthcoming, beyond the first two,
which inspired in me a hope that she is checking
from far away, still connected.

Hope again,
that shitheel.

Meanwhile, from yet another part of the world
A calm voice tells me to choose love over fear
I should listen to that voice.

Monday, October 3, 2016

It's raining today...


But Who's Counting?

Three months. A full season now.
Being stable and mature here, like I said
I would, a seeping wound beneath the wisdom
of my years, living up to expectations,
taking care of business, hanging in the closet.