Hi again

The moon is full. There is the smell of wood smoke in the air here. The temperature after sunset is about to dip down below 60 degrees Fahrenheit. I've got the slider open. I'm thinking of my children with regret. I should have given them a better life, I think. And when I think that, I counter the thought with - It's not too late. There's still right now. And then inertia and that sinking thing happens. 

Better go out while it's nice

Thunderstorms came through and broke the humidity last night. This morning is sunny and cool. Relief, however temporary, is always welcome. What have you noticed since you've been outside the sleep-commute-work-commute-sleep cycle? Well, it seems to me that conditions are deteriorating at a much faster rate than anticipated. Sleepers and wokesters. I'm trying to focus on the transformation some say is taking place but am wondering if that means higher consciousness or just floodwaters and ash and humanity as castaways.

Social beings

Instead of going directly home, I went to a place in a town I haven't visited in some years for something to eat and beer. A few minutes after sitting down, I regretted my decision. People talking too loud, or incessantly, about nothing. Commenting out loud - to no one - following each shot the golfer on the television took. Tedium. Slowly buried in the sands of the hour glass.

Why so judgmental, I ask myself. Just let them be. The North Atlantic is a jacuzzi now.

Extra

Cloudy this morning with heat on the way, so I put on my boots and pack and walked along the power lines for an hour. A horsefly stopped by for a blood meal and didn't survive the experience. In retrospect, I could have just let her take it. To her it was everything. To me, a momentary inconvenience. 

I did a lot of sweating. Nothing about it felt easy or enjoyable, but I was thinking about the Camino de Santiago and the world getting hotter by the minute and how there may not be much opportunity for recreational long distance walking in our future. 

When I made it home again, I stepped on the scale with clothes, boots and pack (along with the gallon or so of sweat trapped in their fibers). 272 pounds. That's a load. 

How Fortunate The Man With None

 

Aspects

There is at least a small victory to claim in my world today. I rose between 4:30 and 5:00 A.M. to initiate a necessary but tedious and time consuming task and saw it through to its conclusion eight or nine hours later. This was a victory I sorely needed for myself. One aspect of integrity is doing what you said you'd do. And integrity still matters. 

An Irish girl died today. She wanted to sing the song that broke the world's heart. She used her moment in the spotlight to speak against the abuses of the Catholic Church in Ireland (and the rest of the Catholic world). Another aspect of integrity is speaking truth to power - even when it'll surely ruin your career. Even if it might wreck your very life. That's called having the courage of your convictions. You don't see that every day.

I'm afraid to hear the cause of her death, afraid I already know.

Task

You get inside before the clouds burst and search your pockets for her handwritten list. Cold medicine (lozenges or liquid? better get both), 10 bottles of flavored sparkling water (fruit punch is her favorite), a loaf of bread, and four bran muffins. Your are pushing the carriage through the aisles in the late afternoon. For a moment you feel a happy contentment once you've gathered up the requested items. Like a good boy. 

Sunbathing for one

It is not possible to be more lightly complected and be a living thing. 

None to speak of

There haven't really been any words to write as I proceed through this transition to whatever happens next.

Enough with the leisurely

Tomorrow I re-enter the world of the gainfully employed. Structure, productivity, meeting the expectations of others.

Just interacting with others. 

Should be interesting. 

A coworker's remorse

Maybe I could have helped her if I'd only talked to her more.

"Jesus Christ," her husband heard her say 

She didn't answer when he asked her what

She'd tipped over on the couch and died, apparently

 

Forty years old

Infirm are we here upon unsteady ground

Convo

For a month now, I've been home alone. I've seen and communicated with family members during that timespan but, for the most part, I'm alone and it's quiet with the exception of ambient noise. I don't have one of those Alexa surveillance devices nor have I ever developed much of a relationship with Siri (full disclosure: I have cursed her out in the past during driving directions disputes). 

Anyway, this morning I was getting out of my car, which was parked on a slope, in the rain and I hit my head on the roof coming out. I had my phone in hand and I let fly a stream of curse words. Siri, which (not whom) I have not interacted with in a couple of years said, "That's not very nice."

I thought I was hallucinating there for a sec. 

Sometimes

There's a milkweed forest in bloom in the re-wilded part of my yard. A sweet fragrance wafts off of it and every kind of local bee has come to visit along with the Monarchs. For a moment, standing there, I feel like a saint. 

Stall

The morning drains away. The last couple of days provided reminders of mortality. Aging, decline and loss. Time slithers free of us. My car is stalling more now too.

Wednesday

Waking without an alarm at dawn. Have I finally gotten enough sleep? There's things to do today. A life to attend to. 

Fifty-Seven

Another birthday I should be grateful for. I can say this: it feels different than it looks from the outside.