Forward still.
This house is a dust ranch containing a few, mostly broken, things. Now that I am alive and actually living in it and not just commuting from and to it in order to crawl in and out of my coffin, it's time to put this place in some sort of order.
Yes, something is shifting. Connections are being made. It feels as though forces are at work even when I'm asleep. Forces working for my benefit rather than my demise. That's change alright. Thank you.
Upon returning to the world, I found smoked salmon at the edge of the bay, a good sleep, vivid dreams, and a little vertigo. Am I changed? Let's find out.
Raining this morning at sunrise. Travel today. Maine. As I'm packing a few things, I listen to the sound of the rain on the leaves through the open sliders and smell the scent of ozone. So refreshing. I look for her to share the scent and the feeling but she isn't there. Whoever she is.
I quit coffee for a few days and was kind of surprised at how lousy I felt. Headache, irritability, and a generally shitty outlook. Yesterday, I found out I didn't really have to quit coffee so I got myself an Americano at about 8 AM. That's it. One cup. No more coffee throughout the day. Suddenly the lights were bright and I had energy, focus, tolerance and a pleasant outlook. It stayed like that all day. All night too. I started drifting off 20 minutes before I had to get up for work today.
Dreams came last night. On the vast grey ocean as a deck hand on a small boat approaching a massive cargo ship. A neck massage on a train. Other things, already forgotten. This is how it all goes by.
Everything is fire and amazing. And everyone is super excited. Apparently I am experiencing the complete absence of one neurotransmitter or another.
A day of almost total silence. The hours just evaporated. Something is needed. A shift. I stumble onto a challenge and by day's end have nearly accepted it.
The people are driven into the sea by wind and flame. Some say we've lost our way because we no longer fear God. What that means is not being barred from an eternity in heaven or being condemned to an eternity in the pit, but this, what we are seeing now. The earth is swallowing us. Floods washing away mountains. Flames transforming living world to ash. Nature rising to crush us because of our wanton disregard for the entire interconnected web of life. That's God. That's what we should have been fearing.
When you've been stuck, sometimes you only need to change the scenery. Just find a way to make it out the door. It's another world entirely for your senses. Progress becomes possible.
You can't make friends on the trail if you don't set out on the trail.
This morning I got to the gym half an hour after it opened and found fewer people lounging on the equipment staring at phones than I usually do later in the day. Still, there are many who appear to go there only to gaze in the mirror. One guy's wearing dark shades. People apparently talking to themselves while moving on cardio machines are actually engaged in telephone conversation using technology I can neither see or fathom. Who the hell are you talking to walking on a treadmill at 7:30 on a Saturday morning?
Anyway, despite the no judgment credo of the place, my mind was doing plenty of it. At least I was aware of it, I guess.
As for me, I was mostly feeling feeble while trying to move weights and breathless while trying to run. Making an effort felt good though. There's strength in that.
On the way there and back my car radio was tuned into a local community radio station. The name of the show was Nobody's Happy Hour and the DJ introduced himself as my bartender. The music he played was pretty great and rather heavy in subject matter. Lots of loss and heartbreak, disappointment and hard luck, struggle and temptation. It was my kind of place. No hipster irony, not at all crowded, and with a great jukebox.
I remembered the station's phone number from my teen years when that same radio station exposed me to punk rock and experimental music which somehow made me feel less alien, not as crazy, and like there might be something out there I could in fact relate to. I called the number. My DJ/Bartender answered. I thanked him for the music and told him I loved the name of the show, the music he played, and the concept. He thanked me.
Keep going, Pal. Keep going.
The sudden tiredness seems to have returned and with it at least a perceived need for long sleeps. A friend calls from far away. She's infected with a new Covid variant. Sleep and drink water, I say, wishing I had a way to shorten it's duration or to make it go easier on her.
Lots of the world is on fire or flooding at this very moment. People are sweating, old ice is melting. Perhaps this is the time of chaos and confusion the elders foretold. Necessary to bring things back into alignment, they said. But there will be hell to pay.
It's 6 AM, time to get going.
It's this day, I guess.
Working from home is like living in Alaska in the summer or the winter when the days/nights (depending on the season) are long and it's impossible to know what time it is.
There is something to be said for structure and being oriented in time and space. There's also much to be said against too much of that stuff.
I'm thinking about buying a ceramic dog.
I recently repotted my only plant which had survived three years in a 3-inch pot with frequently yellow leaves and very little care and it seems revitalized.
I'm drinking ashwaganda in my smoothies now and hoping for similar results.
Broad jumping toward cataclysm now. No more with the baby steps. Nietzsche sends a meme telling me that my body knows. I listen in and don't hear anything I can interpret as good news. Dig a hole, lay down inside the cool Earth, wait.
A kind of sobriety, I guess. Too heavy to be carried away. It appears that I would prefer not to be after all.
