Tipsier

Which is another way of saying live right now. 

Awake. Aware. Alive. 

And in love with the fact that you are.

I think they also meant that. 

There was a moment of terror when I realized the stone fortress I spent a lifetime building needs to be razed one stone at a time. Who will I be when I've taken my "self" apart? When all the lumps have been smoothed? 

You are as much the story you tell yourself as anything else.

Some of these words are not my own. At times in my life saying them would have embarrassed me. Hearing someone else say them would have made me sneer. 

At some point, early on, you came to believe that life was a process much like running a gauntlet. You steel yourself, cover your vitals as best you can, and charge forward. It's not faith that propels you. It's more like a fuck you kind of defiance. You can't win, but you won't make it easy for them either. The blows rain down and come in from all directions. You go on until you can't. It's a trial and a measure of heart, both a penance and a punishment. Life. 

There's no possibility of healing there. No light. No joy. No love. That's not entirely true - there is something like light and joy and love, but it's on fire - a burnt offering. The scenario doesn't allow you to live life with those things manifesting in the world around you. It only allows for you to die with them as ideals held tightly. 

What if the blows ended and you could stop bracing yourself and protecting your vitals? What if your mind turned away from war entirely?