This session, we worked on my spine and the back door of my heart. I saw it plainly this time. Big wide doors that can only be locked from within. Her work around the length of my spine brought up names and faces and a history of behavior. I saw the lesson. And then a history of childhood incidents with a particular theme and a particular remedy. In the end, these are mostly stories I've told to myself. And I tell them still, over and over again. I check them out of the library frequently. Mine is the only name on the card. I know each story by heart. I recite them like incantations and magic is worked. Beliefs are reinforced. Leave those books on the shelf. I tell you. Acknowledged, understood, left to stand in the past where it belongs. Exhale shame. Inhale self-determination. After, I went and had an incredible Italian sandwich made for my supper. I ate a breakfast of coffee, eggs, beans, toast and crab cakes in a diner and then went for a 6 mile walk on the bike path. Single people walking dogs mainly, some chatting pairs, a few solo. Most are apprehensive and look at your hands. I drank a lot of water. Had a series of naps. Woke up with neck and back loose and without pain. I was almost afraid to let myself feel what that's like. Like maybe I might jinx it, find some subtle unconscious way to invite it back in.
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