Emergence. That's a good word for it. It require a crisis, a break down, a period during which nothing works anymore. It also requires a spark, a catalyst, some sort of inspiration to make you start doing things differently. Then it requires application and integration - the work - every day. The process seems to involve great leaps forward, relapses, backsliding, moments of joy and elation, hours of despair, and a constant struggle with old patterns of thought, feeling and behavior. It requires surrender. It requires letting go which is an act, or many acts, of will. It means no longer feeding and watering the bullshit you drag around with you.
I got my tax return information pulled together today (which is the deadline I set for myself last month). But it was only after three days of active avoidance and procrastination - one of those old patterns that doesn't serve me well. Procrastination is intimately related to depression some say. Others say it's a trauma response. I say it's a pain in the ass that wastes your time in a state of anxiety and makes you feel like shit about yourself.
Emergence is your face breaking the surface and drawing that sorely needed breath of air. But down below, the murky depths remain.
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