Alone and strange

From above, one might think that I am living in an uncoupled state temporarily while passing through a transitional phase of life. Well, the duration of that phase is approaching four years now, and the only desire for coupling I have is for the brief and occasional kind.

I enjoy the company of my children when I get to see them. It feels good when my youngest is sleeping in the next room. Socializing with other people, when I meet them out there, is often fun, interesting, or gratifying in some way. It's a moment in time to be enjoyed. But for the most part, being around other people for very long causes me mild to moderate irritation. Sometimes more than moderate. I feel substantial physical relief when I'm alone again. This is usually true in more intimate circumstances too.

Recently spent a few hours with a friend who also lives alone. She's been dealing with a stalker and isn't sleeping much, so company, for her, is welcome. She did a lot of joking with me about my obvious state of tension. I could see it myself in the reflection on her television screen. We laughed about it, but it didn't begin to dissipate until I was walking back across the dark parking lot at midnight listening to the gurgling of river water and looking up at the stars.

I can't imagine, in any realistic or optimistic terms, living with a woman again. The biological imperative has been fulfilled. The only yearning I feel is for memories which are maybe more dream than fact. I have quiet here. Space. I'm not exactly at peace, but I'm not tense either.