I can't remember exactly where I was or what I was doing, but a couple of nights ago I saw something that made me think of Liam. Liam was a friend of my brother and I who died after battling cancer for several years.
In his last days, he received hospice care at home. That is to say a nurse came regularly to medicate his pain. He did everything else on his own. By then he was eating through a port. He could speak, but it was difficult to understand him, and his mind was sharp and clear. His family came by his apartment to help and to keep him company until he'd get tired of them and kick them out. They were understanding, and he was able to be direct about what he needed. Politeness wasn't necessary.
Liam got in contact with my brother and I when he knew there wasn't much time left. He said he wanted to spend his last days with friends and invited us to visit him. It was harder than I thought, for me, at first. I hadn't seen him in quite some time and the cancer had ravaged him in the interim. He was in his early 40s but looked more than twice that. I'm impressed now remembering how honestly he looked at us, giving us time to get over our shock, before getting into things. His eyes burned while he talked and listened. His humor was still there. And he wanted to know about us.
We talked and laughed for a couple of hours. At some point, Liam said he wished now that he hadn't wasted so much time being hung up about sex and women. He had been pretty introverted and mostly single or quiet about whatever he did for companionship.
I said, kind of thoughtlessly, that I didn't know what I would do if I wasn't thinking about love and sex. I mean, what else was there, really?
I think I've written about this before. I remember his response often and vividly.
His eyes opened really wide. He stretched his arms out to his sides as far as he could, made a slow arching movement with his head, looking from on end of that expense to the other.
"Everything."
Being with your friends, being alone, breathing, eating, walking, shitting, reading, listening to music, watching movies, laughing, crying, politics, trivia, art, mathematics - living.
Living in this world.
Nothing was boring or tedious or unappreciated where he was sitting.
I caught just a glimpse of what he was trying to show me. And I try not to forget what I saw.
In his last days, he received hospice care at home. That is to say a nurse came regularly to medicate his pain. He did everything else on his own. By then he was eating through a port. He could speak, but it was difficult to understand him, and his mind was sharp and clear. His family came by his apartment to help and to keep him company until he'd get tired of them and kick them out. They were understanding, and he was able to be direct about what he needed. Politeness wasn't necessary.
Liam got in contact with my brother and I when he knew there wasn't much time left. He said he wanted to spend his last days with friends and invited us to visit him. It was harder than I thought, for me, at first. I hadn't seen him in quite some time and the cancer had ravaged him in the interim. He was in his early 40s but looked more than twice that. I'm impressed now remembering how honestly he looked at us, giving us time to get over our shock, before getting into things. His eyes burned while he talked and listened. His humor was still there. And he wanted to know about us.
We talked and laughed for a couple of hours. At some point, Liam said he wished now that he hadn't wasted so much time being hung up about sex and women. He had been pretty introverted and mostly single or quiet about whatever he did for companionship.
I said, kind of thoughtlessly, that I didn't know what I would do if I wasn't thinking about love and sex. I mean, what else was there, really?
I think I've written about this before. I remember his response often and vividly.
His eyes opened really wide. He stretched his arms out to his sides as far as he could, made a slow arching movement with his head, looking from on end of that expense to the other.
"Everything."
Being with your friends, being alone, breathing, eating, walking, shitting, reading, listening to music, watching movies, laughing, crying, politics, trivia, art, mathematics - living.
Living in this world.
Nothing was boring or tedious or unappreciated where he was sitting.
I caught just a glimpse of what he was trying to show me. And I try not to forget what I saw.
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