A little at a time

In the morning...

It's dark when I wake up and I'm listening to rain. I'll sleep in, I think, and then do. When I open my eyes again, it's the moment when the rain is changing over to snow. The snow is falling in long streaks. In place of the usual flakes there are clumps. I go to pee, put water in the kettle, and turn the burner on. In that short time span the ground has gone from brown to white. I'll likely stay here today. 

Snowed in, I remember. There was a time when I loved those words.

The phone that rarely rings, rings. They want me to come and get tested again in an hour. Let's go. 

In the afternoon...

The re-test was a let down, barely registering as a sensation. One of the patient's tested positive last night, and some of the staff I talked to today are less mentally prepared and resolved than the ones I talked to Wednesday and  Monday. That's what happens as time passes and situations escalate - euphoria and innocent good intentions evaporate and resolve erodes. Anxiety sets in. People get resentful - why do I have to? 

It's still snowing at 4 pm and it piled up here fast.

In the evening...

You typed that line above and a Led Zeppelin song kicked in in your brain. From an album that came out around 1980, you think, but cannot be certain. It's the one on which they started using synthesizers leaving you feeling betrayed. They'd left rock behind for pop and given you another reason to be mad at the world.

I started to doze a little while ago and heard these words in my head as I was waking up: "I don't need you, I have my truth." Great. Thanks. That's good to know. 

A young person asked me earlier if I believed in fate. I didn't want to say too much about what I believe and don't, nor did I want to lie. I told her I believe in the possibility of fate. She talked about people coming into your life for a reason. 

I don't like to contradict or even comment on people's spiritual views anymore. They're often fragile and hard won. People frequently suffer greatly to achieve them and hold them tightly. It used to be something to argue about, to discuss and debate. Philosophizing. 

Now, I figure if it keeps you upright, it's ok with me. 

What do you believe now? It's been awhile since I took inventory. Let's see. 

You're on your own here. You deal the best you can with what happens. You're not here for long. Everything is tentative. 

This diagnosis is provisional, of course. 

Meanwhile, the wet and heavy snow breaks an agonized pine bough and it falls to the ground with a crash just a few feet from where I'm typing.