Tidings

A few incidents of unexpected good fortune have come my way this year. I am grateful for them. They made me feel lucky, happy, even blessed. For a few minutes I felt seen, appreciated and loved. So why are those things so hard to sit with? 

In no time at all my internal process was able to twist those good feelings into something else. I felt undeserving, like it should have happened to someone else, ashamed, like a fraud. The blessings felt misdirected and strange. My instinct was to shake it off. 

I've come to identify with lack and want, with feeling passed over, deprived and mistreated. I've become someone who does without. I've come to believe I am that person. Any message from the outside world that challenges this identify is deflected or rejected. 

Perhaps you should look into that shit.