Reflection

You've got fibromyalgia and a little bit of a hangover. The humid rainy morning makes your joints ache and every movement hurt. Your job is to keep the place clean. 

Looking back on it now, you remember hearing a crash which you didn't really think twice about because there's always doors slamming in that suite of offices. And then a little later, come to think of it, you were vacuuming the stairwell and you saw these shod feet sticking out from under a desk through the window. It registered as unusual, but you thought maybe the guy was plugging something in or fiddling with some connection under there. 

You remember these things while lying sleepless beside the knowledge of what you now know. 

It didn't occur to you then that the man in the shoes had tipped over in his chair while experiencing cardiac arrest. Your coworkers found him about an hour and a half later. They initiated a code, called 911, started CPR, produced three AEDs and affixed the pads of one to his torso. But the man was already cold and purple. Blood had pooled under his head and in his mouth. The paramedics couldn't get him back either.

And now this morning, knowing what you now know, you are wondering if things might have gone differently had you investigated that crash you assumed was a slamming door. You can't understand why you didn't go and check out why those feet were protruding from under the desk. Your coworkers, who did chest compressions on their friend for 20 minutes can't understand why you didn't either.

One conversation at a time, I see a story taking shape. Your coworker died suddenly and tragically - likely due to a massive heart attack - in your workplace on an early morning in the midst of another mundane work day. That's one version. The other version, the one you're trying hard not to tell yourself now, is that your coworker died suddenly and tragically - likely from a massive heart attack - in your workplace on an early morning in the midst of another mundane work day, and it was my fault.