So long

Turned down the invitations to go out but I was hungry and maybe that was what finally got me up and out the door. Went to a Greek place because I had a craving for feta and had a meal with a couple of drinks. There were three couples sitting within earshot of me. As I ate and drank, I could hear bits of their conversations (like it or not) and soon felt glad to be on my own. One conversation involved nothing more than talking negatively about people who were not in the room. The second was also negative, this sort of back and forth complaining, not about each other at least. In the third, the woman talked endlessly and automatically about her two cats. The man she was with seemed to be looking beyond her and never spoke. I felt glad to be single and, after I'd eaten, eager to leave. 

A man I've gotten to know a little bit over the last 12 years or so runs a karaoke bar in this city. I took up singing as a form of therapy back when my then wife and kids moved out. I was not much of a singer but they never judged me. Gentrification is happening in real time in that neighborhood, and he's been told to vacate. Tonight is his last night at that location. I had to go and pay my respects.

I sat in the last seat at the bar blending into the leaves of the plastic trees. The place filled to capacity. The owner, who is also the only bartender, didn't have time for much talking. There were a couple of birthday celebrations going on. From where I sat with my back to the wall, I could see all the faces. All younger than mine. I saw a lot of anxiety. I thought I saw people pretending to be having fun, pretending to be doing alright. We are false to each other, I kept thinking.

There was a good mix of singers - some very talented, some not at all, some characters, some drunks, some groups, some showy and some shy. I like that. What I don't like is that they so often pick such lame songs to sing. Typical karaoke songs - the basic program. I'd go mad if I worked here just because of the severely limited range of songs selected. 

There is no more rock and roll. I feel compelled to represent so I sing Motorhead first and Black Sabbath later. War Pigs is probably something most of these people have only heard in a video game I've never played and it's not really twerkable. I sang it the best I could. There was a group of people packed into a booth to my left. When I'd finished, one of them said I was a rockstar. That's not a bad way to go out. I'll take it. 

I got to sing Fly Me To The Moon to you in this place once. That was a real high point for me. I haven't sung that song since. I remember how delighted you were watching the bartender make one of his artful cocktails with about four kinds of fruit especially for you. As I'm remembering this, I become aware of this young couple sitting beside me at the bar. They are very, very still. I'm wondering if my mind is playing tricks on me. I can see the man's face. It's expressionless. His eyes are squinted. At first I think maybe they're stoned. Then, maybe they're shy. But as I kind of tuned into their vibration, I felt their tension. It's one of those quarrels that come up over and over again between a couple. The stillness persisted for a very long time.

I'm not sure what compelled me to do it, but I started to breathe deeply and consciously. Breathing in the way you would to relax your body in meditation. I decide that I would inhale the tension around them, transmute it, and exhale understanding. After not more than ten breaths, they broke their stone silence and started to talk. There was pain in their words though I couldn't really hear them. He got up and walked out. She looked at me. I told her I could feel that things were hard. She said, yes it is very hard. I got called up to sing a few minutes later and passed closely to the young man who was coming back in. He appeared less tense. I put my hand on his shoulder and told him to keep trying.