Don't identify with your feelings, they tell me. They're not really you. They're more like a cloud passing over you or, more accurately, like an arrow passing right through the heart of you.
I've become the man who laughs aloud alone in the grocery store. I no longer mutter to myself. I talk out loud freely if I'm feeling like it. The kid stocking the shelves looks over discretely. He's probably doing it too.
I feel sad every time I pass the Coffee Mate in the dairy section. I have for years now.
Today, I had this feeling that I'd been recently reassembled by a careless mechanic who left out an essential component of my operating system. But I'm not going to identify with that sentiment. I found my heart out there on the trail a few weeks back. It's up on top of the refrigerator now. Don't forget it.
I saw the first yellowing forsythia up here today and it made me a little ill. The way another baseball season does or one more New Year's Eve with all of that fucking joyful noise. I can't pretend I haven't seen it before or that it feels new to me. I'm tied to the wheel is what you're saying. That's all.
April is the cruelest.
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